Everything we have and will continue to achieve.

IYA LUVS, 

I recently shared on my Instagram story that I'd been experiencing a sense of sadness and longing for a past self and time. A time where I felt free and full of joy. 

What I didn't share was that, alongside these feelings, I've felt for many months now that I haven't really achieved much this year (which simply isn't true, I know that from just looking at my calendar!).  

Sometimes though, no matter how much we achieve, we can still feel unfulfilled and caught up in negative mental chatter. 

I'm going to change that.

I'm going to write down everything I have done and achieved so far this year.

So, here goes...

1. I finished counselling with 5 sessions at the beginning of the year (though they definitely weren't with the right counsellor for me and that's absolutely ok - I'm still glad I took the step I needed to seek help).

2. I took part in a round table discussion about the contraceptive pill with other female creatives who had also made or contributed to theatre productions about it. This discussion was later to be published in a book. An incredible thing to have been apart of!

3. Performed Pill at it's full length for the third time in London, but fourth time overall. I did this with my partner, an incredible actor and my best friend, and lots of dear friends in the audience, including my wonderful Mum.

4. I had a further interview about Pill and my process in making it with two students, interested in making theatre of a similar nature.

5. I supported a regional Manchester theatre in one of their creative learning days for young people.

6. I launched my debut poetry collection into the world. Indescribable.

7. I performed my poetry at the following events:

Word Central

Shapeshift

Speakeasy

Mind Over Matter

Lights

Ember & The Valentines Vixens

Poetry in the Park 5 at Heaton Park with Blue Balloon Theatre

Just Stories

Punk in Drublic

Salford Arts Theatre for International Women's Day with Blue Balloon Theatre

Buzzin Bards 2022 Anthology Launch (where my poetry was also featured!)

Two Left Feet Bar & Kitchen, Haigh Hall

Poetry in the Park 6 Headliner at Heaton Park with Blue Balloon Theatre

Switchblade Society

Live Poetry Special on Hannah's Bookshelf (Radio)

Verbose

Absinthe Nights (Radio)

Words, Trafford

Absinthe Nights

Long Story Short

Poetry in the Park 7 at Heaton Park with Blue Balloon Theatre

Like I Care About... Anxiety and Stress (Northern Monk)

Northern Poet's Society at Clitheroe Castle

Lights

Chorlton Arts Festival

Poetry in the Park 8 at Heaton Park with Blue Balloon Theatre

8. All Blue Balloon Theatre events you can see above I've also produced and hosted.

9. I supported an R&D at the Bolton Octagon as a spoken word artist.

10. I continued to do corporate role play between other creative jobs, which has become something I really enjoy.

11. I had some boss photos of me taken by Ryan Morrison Photography, a fantastic creative and friend.

12. I facilitated a performance and poetry workshop at a college in Doncaster with Blue Balloon Theatre and my wonderful partner.

13. I continued to teach one-to-one singing lessons regularly, which is an incredibly rewarding job and something I thoroughly enjoy.

14. I have continued to create regular content for YouTube, with some videos hitting some of the biggest figures my channel has ever had.

15. I found out I was to receive seed funding to create a family show from a regional theatre in Greater Manchester and started working towards getting further ACE funding to support the project. 

16. I cat sat twice... call me the cat whisperer. 

17. Me and my partner saw Sam Ryder perform live twice (five times overall... just call us roadies!). 

18. Experienced a day of Eurovision in Liverpool... incredible!

19. I spoke on BBC Radio Manchester about Blue Balloon Theatre and Poetry in the Park. 

20. Me, my mum and sister won at bingo... twice!

21. I started training at North Manchester FM to learn how to present and produce a show, which has truly been one of the most enjoyable training processes I've ever taken part in.

22. I completed 7 interviews and auditions.

23. I saw 5 theatre shows, one of which starred my dear friend, Jordan!

24. I've started the ball rolling to set up skill development workshops for people within north Manchester with Blue Balloon Theatre.

25. It was confirmed that I would join a handful of Bent Key poets at the New York Poetry Festival on July 29th (my 28th birthday!)... it still hasn't sunk in. 

26. I celebrated the launch of The Changeling Annual in which my poetry was published. 

27. I swapped home workouts for gym workouts to help my mental health and have been lifting heavier weights than I ever have before. The progress is so real!

28. As of January, I went completely freelance. A strange transition, but throughout it's ups and downs, I've made it work. 

29. I was offered a role in an exciting new venue.

30. Finally, I started to read up on and research something that's become increasingly important to me, with the help of a friend who offered guidance in abundance. For that, I will be forever grateful. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now.

Phew! Let me just take a moment to breathe. 

I don't think I'd realised quite how much I had already done/achieved this year. 

Honestly, I felt like I'd taken my foot of the gas a little bit, but actually, it seems I've still managed to keep myself incredibly busy.

On top of all of these things I've done, my partner and I have been looking for a home together, which is an incredibly exciting thing on the whole but like anything, it does have its stressful moments. 

It was actually at one of the events I performed at, Like I Care About... Anxiety and Stress, that I picked up this nugget of wisdom which has allowed me to view stress in a different way.

There are stresses and anxieties that are somewhat regularly experienced by people, for instance, I tell my friend that I'm anxious about a job interview next week. My friend nods and understands completely, because she too, has experienced these kinds of anxieties. 

On the flip side, there are worries, anxieties and even fears that feel very personal to us. They live inside our head and often, we don't air them out because they feel too big. They are unlike common, shared worries. They are somewhat specific to our experience and mind.

This was a game changer for me. 

I actually started to realise that some kinds of anxiety were much more manageable than I thought. For example, pretty much every single person I know has felt nervous for a job interview at some point in their lives and it's completely normal to feel a bit nervous at the prospect of something new.

This has allowed me to rationalise my thoughts in certain instances where anxiety arises. 

I've also recognised that some of the anxieties I haven't shared in the past six months are actually quite important things. They are beliefs that my mind has formed about myself, my abilities and my achievements. They are ideas about who I am and an inability to act upon it. 

Coming out of 2022, which was a relentlessly busy year, I felt exhausted but grateful. I had achieved so much! I was truly proud of myself for working hard on things that mattered to me, but I'd also felt the effects of working almost all day, every day and it had caused me to feel fatigued, emotionally and physically, more often than not. It was like a constant state of fight or flight sometimes.

Come January 2023, every sign was there for me to rest more frequently, which I did and have done and wherever possible, I've tried to take things a little slower than last year to avoid overwhelm and burn out. However, despite all of that, I have found myself often experiencing a stagnant, unwanted energy that make me feels stuck and a whole load of disheartening thoughts to go with it.

At this point, it's important to mention that I entered this year carrying a weight I hadn't asked to carry and it felt uncomfortable and unpleasant. I was processing a negative experience which had happened just a couple of months before and it was incredibly difficult for me to process.

If you can step away from a person, place or situation that makes you feel undervalued and unsupported, then do it. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

There is no point in doing something that makes you feel unhappy, it really is as simple as that. 

On reflection of this year so far, I feel incredibly lucky to have worked on so many projects that have given me a sense of joy and purpose. In any high-stress and overwhelming situations I've found myself in, I have stayed true to myself and trusted my gut instinct, which I am incredibly proud of.

Through establishing boundaries, and more often than not, trusting your decision making, you can gradually feel a greater sense of self-worth. I promise you that. 

Easier said that done, right? I know.

Just to reiterate, it really is a gradual process and not an easy one at that. My mind, for instance, will try to trip me up several times a day and I have to be able to find that higher ground in my mind and say this is not coming from a place of love and self-compassion. 

I suppose, throughout writing this blog, I've realised that most of my inner chatter this year has come from a place of fear, distress and unhappiness. 

I've replayed past events in my mind and felt tremendous guilt that has left me unable to move. I felt like I was failing, that I wasn't getting anywhere and that I hadn't achieved a single thing. I felt so unmotivated at times that it took me what felt like an age just to leave the house. 

I know that there will always been dark days or overwhelming situations. I don't intend on avoiding them, because to feel those things is to be human. Without sadness, how would we know what elated happiness felt like? Without undiluted anger, how would we recognise moments of serene calm? 

We wouldn't. 

I'm so glad I feel things in abundance. It means I don't taken the better days for granted. 

Here's to self-compassion.

Here's to going at your pace. 

Here's to everything we have and will continue to achieve. 

Lots of love, 

Rebecca xxx