Poetry, Pill & Happiness

IYA LUVS!

Trigger Warning: I speak about severe depression and anxiety in this blog. 

Just checking in after, oh not too long, just 5 and a half months!

Speaking solely as a creative being here, I don't think I've ever been so busy in my life, and that's not even including my regular job. It's a little bit insane how much our workload has increased since last year. I personally feel like I've stopped very few times and only for brief periods of proper rest. 

The difficulty with being self-employed and not only that, but a self-employed creative and actor, is that we can't really stop for too long. We don't always have a consistent income and we certainly don't get holiday and or sick pay so it's really important that we keep moving forward with job applications, auditions and projects. 

All of that being said, I feel really fortunate to have had some truly good news so far this year.

Early in 2023, I'll have my debut poetry collection, Perfect Mess, published with Bent Key Publishing. I know - mental! What started out as just an exploration of something new has turned into a true passion of mine. Poetry has changed me in so many ways. It has become the comfort I often seek out when I'm struggling mentally or trying desperately to process something I'm going through.

I write, read and listen to so much poetry from different people and I've come to realise how beautiful and impactful this way of writing is. It's not really something I can explain at length, but there's something about rhythmical delivery of words and someone's thoughts that is incredibly moving.

My second bit of news is that I'll be taking my show, Pill, to two festivals this year. Again - totally mental, but amazing! I've been working on this show over the past 6 years and the difference it has made so far has already surpassed every expectation I had originally hoped for. I believe it will continue to make a tremendous difference to people's lives and the decisions they make when it comes to sexual health and contraception. 

I'll be producing the show with my theatre company, Blue Balloon Theatre, and we'll be heading to Greater Manchester Fringe Festival and another festival which I can't announce just yet but am tremendously excited about. 

If you'd like to catch myself and my dear friend and fellow actor, Ryan Clarke, at the Salford Arts Theatre for this years GM Fringe, you can find out more here - we'd love to see some familiar faces!

http://www.salfordartstheatre.com/whats-on 

Having such positive things to look forward to in the not-so-distant-future is a tremendous comfort and definitely gives me a boost on days where I'm not feeling myself. 

It's too often been the case that I haven't felt myself this year. The bad days have been quite plentiful. I've doubted everything I'm doing, I've not been able to focus on the positive or good within my day or the good stuff that's coming up and sometimes, it's been near impossible to get through an hour in the day without having overwhelming anxiety, worry and doubt.

Depression and anxiety are awful and these mental health issues affect more people that we realise.

Let me tell you, honest conversations, however hard, have been one of my saviours, along with performing and poetry. I think, quite honestly, they've often saved me from something much darker than I care to think about. 

We often start to believe the voice in our head, the negative chatter, and it escalates and we lose control. It's when the small things you know you can do, which have perhaps helped you find order and calm before, stop working as well for you. That's stressful. Suddenly you feel slightly more helpless than you did before. 

Yesterday, my partner said to me, "Do you think you're taking on too much?" My immediate mental response was that of justification toward all I was doing and why I needed to do it. But in there was no care or consideration for my well-being. My mental state has become so consistently shoddy, that I couldn't see the worth in myself or taking time to slow down.

So I stepped into today with perhaps a little more awareness than I've had of late. I knew I was tired, I knew overwhelm over my to do list was simmering under the surface (still is), but I wanted to prioritise one task at a time and not dictate to myself what I felt I needed to do today (which by the way was and is an obscene amount!). 

That's so important to recognise; when you're doing something from a place of anxiety and it's that fear, doubt and or worry that drives your actions. 

Ultimately, this way of being will come and go for many of us dependent on how we feel day to day and what's going on in our lives. I urge you to challenge your way of thinking next time this happens. Know that acting from a place of anxiety will not serve you in the long term. Prioritising tasks, dependent on how important they are, and taking them at your pace is exactly what we're aiming for.

It's not easy, I know that to be true, but we can do this. 

Before I leave you, I wanted to share with you that unironically, I've actually managed to do things today that I haven't done for months. E.G. Film and edit a YouTube video, write a blog, get crafty and make something. I've been aware of my anxiety but it hasn't gotten in the way too much. I've just let myself do whatever feels right and subsequently, I've felt a little bit happier. Tomorrow could be a shambles but for now, I'm just really happy to have lived today to the best of my ability and done things I enjoy. 

Lots of love, 

Rebecca x

P.S. Don't mind me, I'm just documenting this picture of me on Wednesday, immersed in theatre and for just a few hours, I felt wholeheartedly happy. 😌