All Of This Unreal Time

IYA LUVS!

I've been so quiet on social media of late. Truth be told, using it got a bit too much for me and my head just felt really overcrowded, but then saying that: I think I've been overwhelmed since 2021 started. 

As Lockdown measures have started to lift, more opportunities and work started coming through so that took most of my focus, but with every new opportunity came a greater feeling of doubt, anxiety and often: dread. 

I found myself not feeling happy or motivated as I was say 6 months prior. It really was difficult to accept; that I wasn't feeling confident in myself, nor was I as able to find the positives in situations or circumstances I found myself in. I soon realised, that nearly every time I spoke to my partner on the phone, I wasn't in a good place at all. I couldn't rationalise anything: I'd hit a wall and plummeted to a very low, low and I needed to seek some sort of support for my mental health. 

Fast forward a few weeks, the first steps had been taken to getting help and I had a week away with my partner and his family. 

An opportunity to find calm in a very dark storm, a step back, and a chance to prioritise down time whilst surrounded by wonderful people. It was only when I came home that I realised how much I actually needed that change of scene and pace. I appreciated it so much.

I love what I do, but the change in motion as things got back to some form of normality was getting the better of me.

So much has happened in the past eighteen months and each of us has dealt with those circumstances very differently. For me, I've seen pure and sincere happiness in myself and I've experienced horrendous lows too. 

Right now and moving forward; what truly makes me happy, especially in my career, is what I want to do more of. That is  something very important that Lockdown has taught me. 

I've heard that said so many times, "Do more of what makes you happy", but I can't help but wonder why it never sticks? It's like we try to, but we always go back to the familiar and often mundane routine, where everyone is trying to just get by and make a living. 

Why do we not always choose to thrive?

Anyway, I hope you are - whatever you're doing. I hope you're enjoying it and it's bringing the best out of you. We each deserve that kind of happiness and fulfilment. 

~

I've been writing a lot. Poetry is literally coming out of my ears! That's been lovely - to focus so much on time spent writing. 

Whether you class yourself as a wordsmith or not, it is incredibly therapeutic to pick up a pen and write. 

If I'm honest, I pinch myself most days when I think of the journey I've been this past ten months with my poetry. A conversation with a very good friend led me to sharing my poetry publicly and once that ball started rolling, it didn't stop! 

I've been reading a lot of poetry too. I mean... I'm constantly reading poetry, but recently it's been such a wonderful escape.

What I've found now in poetry, is more than an avenue but a road. One which I can feel is going to take me somewhere I maybe didn't expect but I am most definitely enjoying the ride. I sincerely cannot take a moment of it for granted and I think because I have that level of appreciation for the journey I'm on, it will continue to take me wonderfully by surprise and nourish my soul. Deep, I know. 

~

I was watching a short film commissioned and produced by Manchester International Festival this morning; written by Max Porter and performed by Cillian Murphy. 

All Of This Unreal Time.

A man – any man, everyman – walks alone through night and the city. From subway to pavement to wide open marshland, he confesses his failings: emotional, physical, political. To whom, and for what? Ashamed and alarmed, he considers both the smallness of human life and the scale of the world, and ultimately our most pressing obligation: to care for those alongside us, and for the earth that sustains us.

If I'm honest, I didn't expect it to move me as much as it did, even though Cillian Murphy is one of my favourite actors. 

These two particular lines within it, struck me: 

"I yearn to backwards flood my impatient self with a wordless sense of smallness and timelessness."

"Every day is a last day, as every day will always be, and it is more than enough."

Within both of these sentences, I found a sense of comfort and of ease. I understood in those moments of hearing them that it is normal for us to want to step back from what our society and world has become, so fast paced and vibrant; our faces often being lit by phone screens and that the time we have is enough, it's how we use it that makes it meaningful. 

It was a beautiful short film. Effortlessly delivered and if I'm honest, it's one of those pieces of art I'd love to return back to, even though it's only available for a short time with MIF. 

I think watching it came at the right time for me though and I'm grateful for it and how, ironically, it reflected some of the thought processes and feelings I've been having recently. 

I hope you have a really lovely day today. You're amazing for sticking with me and reading my thoughts. I hope it brought you comfort or joy or both. 

Lots of love, 

Rebecca x