Isolation Diary ~ Part Ten ~ BODY IMAGE

IYA LUV!

Well, here we are - my last Isolation Diary! 

As Lockdown measures continue to ease and although cases of COVID-19 in Manchester have spiked: lets be honest, we all need and want a sense of normality - me included - and so this will be my final Isolation Diary of Lockdown. 

If you've stuck with me throughout what can only be described as a challenging and unprecedented few months - thank you! Writing these blogs has allowed me, as ever, to air my thoughts, cope with stress and my mental health in times of despair and joy and generally, discuss what's been going on in the world with ease. 

And so I wanted to discuss something with you that, in the last few weeks of Lockdown, has most certainly caught my attention.

I want to talk about BODY IMAGE.

In the last month, I have openly called out tweets, television interviews and opinions that have been severely negative toward body image, specifically those that are plus size.

Each of us are entitled to feel what we feel and think what we think. We form opinions based on what we have learnt and I suppose, what we deem to be right and wrong. 

The media, a.k.a. magazines, newspapers, social media, advertising and so on, are too a huge factor in how we form our opinions, but the media often puts a spotlight on body image - specifically drastic weight loss or weight gain - and personally, I think that is the core problem as to why people in this day and age struggle so much with their own body image and self acceptance. 

How many times in your life have you compared the way you look to the way somebody else looks? 

How many times have you skipped a meal or tried a crash 'diet' to try and lose weight quick? 

How many times have you binged on chocolate and carbs and immediately felt bad? 

Let me guess, you've lost count already - I know I have! 

My question is: why?

Every single person on this planet is different. They look different, they act different and they are all shapes and sizes. That is one of the many wonderful things about the human race. 

We are incredibly intelligent creatures and we are born free of inhibitions and judgement of ourselves and or others. 

So this issue that we have with body image and accepting ourselves and others exactly as we are is a deep-rooted, external problem. One that we have grown very much accustomed to. 

~

I went to a high school for girls and as you can imagine, all the current trends were seen on almost every girl and body image was important. For me, this was where I begun to see my body as 'bigger', 'chubbier' and generally compared myself to other girls on a regular basis. 

When I was about 14, our school gave us a free gym pass once a week as an extra-curricular activity that we could par-take in and much to surprise, I soon discovered I loved the gym: this place you could go to exercise and move your body, releasing endorphins on the way and ultimately making yourself feel good. Going to the gym once a week became apart of my routine and I truly enjoyed it. I was lucky too, that I went with very good friends, so I never felt like I was being judged. 

Come the time of prom in my final year of high school, I'd lost a considerable amount of weight - I'd say somewhere between 2 to 3 stone. Suddenly, I went from being a chunky teen in baggy uniform to a slightly slimmer teen in a prom dress. There were a lot of comments from friends and girls who were deemed 'popular',

"Oh my god, you've lost so much weight - you look amazing!"

Of course, we were young women and we knew no better really, but my 25 year old self just wants to leave a memo for my 16 year old self to say - take these comments with a pinch of salt, you're fine the way you are.  

Fast forward a few years, I'd studied Musical Theatre at College and begun an Acting degree - both very physical and intense courses. Naturally, I lost a bit of weight here and there but I was toned because I was constantly exercising my body. I'd go to the gym where I could and really enjoyed it as I always had. But I think I knew deep down that there was still that niggling voice saying that I was the 'bigger girl' which in a small way, dictated my actions toward food and exercise. I also became acutely aware how obsessive I became over having toned abs and a flat belly.

I have ALWAYS loved chocolate and food but I always used to eat until I was really full! I think coming from a working class family, you ate all the food on your plate and you were grateful for it. I know I was always grateful for the meals my Mum or Gran would make. Desert was also highly thought of in our house and still is! I think that sweet tooth of mine often didn't help because I would binge eat chocolate and feel really bad about it every single time. It was like I never learnt to just accept that I wanted it and it made me happy - I was in a vicious circle with that little devil voice inside my head, chat-chat-chatting away. 

The turning point for me was living as a student with a very dear friend who transitioned from being a meat eater to being vegan during the three years we lived together and reading the book she recommended to me: 

The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells. 

This book gave me so much!

I suddenly discovered foods that I loved that were incredibly healthy and guilt-free, you might say. I discovered that I could exercise and move my body simply because I loved it and wanted to feel good. I discovered how heavily I relied on sugar in my diet, both natural and artificial. I discovered that I wasn't accepting my body for the way it was and thus, never truly being completely happy with myself. I discovered that my timeline's on social media were filled with people and accounts that almost encouraged me to compare myself to others. 

I wasn't okay with that and instantly cried and unfollowed all the accounts that had a negative effect on my mental health and how I viewed my body. 

That truly was a poignant moment for me in learning to accept and love what I had. I think since reading that book, learning to love my body for what it is and improving my relationship with food: I've actually realised that I wasn't and am not 'too big' and that the inner voice that told me so, stemmed from insecurity and lack of self-belief and or confidence in an all-girls school, where one could be very easily influenced.

I am a size 10/12, curvy, quite toned (mainly as a result of Lockdown and working exercise into my daily routine), with a love of chocolate and sugary things (still). 

I'm also an successful actor-singer (success is subjective and should not be dictated by the society we live in), I love exercising, running, I love writing poetry, songs, plays, I run my own theatre company and am surrounded by a group of people that do nothing but show me love and support. 

I weight so much more than my weight in pounds, as does everyone else.

Disclaimer: I still have a low-key obession with the way my abs look. 

When I started to run, which was only a month or so into Lockdown, my body started to change and I started to increase my stamina by running 3 times a week. For the first time in about 12 years, I wasn't focused on my abs. I was focusing on making my body strong in a different way and that felt liberating but scary. I had a couple of mini meltdowns as a result because suddenly my abs weren't as toned. 

BUT, my heart felt good and I felt physically and mentally stronger. 

~

My body changes day to day, hour by hour. It's keeping me alive! The best thing I can do is listen to and nurture it. 

There have been and will be days I wake up, look in the mirror and say, "Ugh, you look bloated. Your legs look huge. You look knackered. YOU'RE ABS AREN'T TONED ENOUGH!" But ultimately, I cannot change my body in those moments and so, to accept it is the best thing I can do. I also know that thoughts  like that are often intrusive, stemming from a place of anxiety, so it's really important for me to recognise that and simply get on with my day rather than dwell on them.

Societal pressures to fit a mould of beauty, perfection or 'the right size' are so damaging and have a huge impact on all of us, even when we don't realise it. We need to address that judging someone based upon their appearance is wrong. We need to realise that body shape does not define whether we are healthy or not.

My hope is that, through sharing my experiences and thoughts on body image, you take heed of the fact that change is possible if you yourself struggle with accepting how ruddy fabulous you are, have always been and are yet to become.

Through daily practise of reminding myself I am fabulous and worthy of that feeling without needing to alter myself and generally maintaining a work hard, play hard ethic when it comes to food and life - I find I am able to live happily without an avid fixation on my body image. In any moments where it does bother me, I turn my focus inwards and focus on what's best for my body and mind internally. 

~

Thank you so much for joining me for my tenth and final isolation diary. 

You're amazing! 

Lots of love, 

Rebecca x