Isolation Diary ~ Part Six ~ Play Your Music Loud!

IYA LUV!

We all have bad days. We all have days where there are moments of light relief, but on the whole it feels like a struggle to make it to the end of the day. 

I won't lie to you, I haven't felt great today - haven't felt myself. I've been really emotional, and when I say emotional, I mean crying at the any given moment of american comedy sitcom, The Good Place (which is fantastic by the way, you should definitely watch it!) as well as generally focusing on 'what I haven't done' instead of me, today, right now. 

These past few days it's like my brain has gone into self-sabotage, with the little voice in my head asking, "Why haven't you done the 20 bazillion things you just thought of doing?", and thus making me feel guilty and all-round swamped!

"Alright brain, chill out, I can do what I want to do whenever I feel I want to do it!"

That's what I've needed to tell myself, but for some reason I haven't felt able to and it's meant I'm waking up and getting back on my treadmill of guilt and anxiety toward all the things I could do and haven't done. Yet. 

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I love making lists. Having that kind of structure, in just the smallest of ways, means I can manage my time better and I feel less anxious. They can be a very useful tool for so many people, but the moment you're writing a list and you already know you've put too much on it, I say throw that list away. Forget it and start again. Be realistic and be kind to yourself. You are not a machine, you do not have to do this much, not in one day, not in one week. Jesus - you have a LIFETIME to do whatever is it you want to do!! 

...That was as much for me as it was for you... could you tell? 

Prioritise what will truly make you happy, a day at a time. 

Not only has lockdown made me feel like I've gone slightly crazy so far this week, but I've been thinking, for the past week actually, about how much money I've saved during Lockdown. In extreme circumstances such as these, you realise what you have and how lucky you are. I had a moment today of realising how incredibly fortunate I am. I'm glad, because it's easy to forget when you're not feeling yourself. 

As well as saving money, my urge to buy things has lessened too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like a real life Shirley Bassey GIF singing 'Hey big spender!' - I spend my money on things I truly want and things that are practical. You will never see me spend money on a dress I'll only wear once for instance, never ever ever! I think because we're at home 95% of the time at the moment, I'm looking around at what I have and how much I have and I'm realising how unnecessary all of this 'stuff' is!! We are a species that likes to hoard, we really are. We are materialistic even when we thing we aren't, because I truly didn't think I was (aside from my obsession with trainers and t-shirts... I totally own up to that!). 

I'm not saying we shouldn't have things that we like or love to wear, keep or to have in our day to day lives because these things make us happy, but not all of our happiness comes from our possessions. In fact, most of it doesn't. Most of it comes from the people in our lives, maybe our careers too. I know mine certainly does. 

I can't help but think of the many people who have lost or are losing someone during this time of lockdown and those who may not be able to be with loved ones as they pass. Our time with those we love is precious and do we take that time for granted sometimes? Yes, I think we do. 

So maybe I will focus less on these lists and what I think I have to do - which are in fact goals that I have set myself in my own brain (often too many), but I will focus more on human connection, even if it's over a phone or video call. We must make the most of what we have. 

~

I looked at myself in the mirror just after having my tea tonight and said no, you look drained from spending so much time in your head. You are not going to feel this way any longer than necessary, you are fortunate and you are doing great, so acknowledge, accept and move forward. 

And so, I got in the shower and played my music loud - to drown out the chattering in my head and as I write this blog, my music is STILL playing loud! In times when I know I need to speak, to share something like this, I find it helps me focus tremendously. 

Keep going guys, we've got this.

Lots of love, 

Rebecca xxx